sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
