I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
