Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
