if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ladies don't puke and tell
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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