I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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