I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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