I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
