That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
