Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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