Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
