Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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