Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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