I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
