new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
