She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
