Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
