Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize