I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
