FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
