I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
