Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
