Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
