So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
