I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
