dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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