Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
