i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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