Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
