had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
