your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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