How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Randomize