I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
