he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
