I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
