I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
