Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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