it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
