I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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