I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
