i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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