I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
