Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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