I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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