i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
