i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
