Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
