forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
