It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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