U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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