I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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