that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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