Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He literally asked permission to hit on me
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
