All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
