two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The struggles of a small town man whore
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
