3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
