I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
