Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
