He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
