i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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